Fawning: Understanding the Trauma Response and How to Heal
When we think about trauma responses, most people know about fight, flight, and freeze. But there’s a fourth response that often goes unnoticed: fawning.
Fawning is the instinct to please, appease, or smooth things over in order to feel safe. For many people who grew up in unpredictable, unsafe, or emotionally neglectful environments, fawning became a survival strategy. By putting others’ needs first, minimizing their own feelings, or constantly striving to “keep the peace,” they reduced the risk of conflict or rejection.
At the time, this was incredibly adaptive—it helped them survive. But as adults, fawning can quietly rob people of their voice, their boundaries, and their sense of self.
What Does Fawning Look Like?
If you identify as a “fawner,” you might notice that you:
Say “yes” when you desperately want to say “no.”
Struggle to name your own needs or preferences.
Feel anxious or guilty when you set boundaries.
Constantly scan for others’ moods, adjusting yourself to keep them happy.
Experience burnout from over-giving and under-receiving.
These patterns can leave you feeling invisible, resentful, or disconnected from who you truly are.
Why Do We Fawn?
Fawning develops when love, safety, or belonging felt conditional. As children, we may have learned: “If I stay small, agreeable, and accommodating, I’ll be less likely to get hurt.”
This adaptive strategy helped protect us then—but it isn’t serving us now. Healing begins with recognizing that these patterns are not character flaws. They are trauma responses, deeply wired into our nervous systems. And with compassionate support, they can change.
Healing from Fawning with Trauma-Informed Therapy
In my work with clients, I approach fawning with deep respect for how it kept them safe. At the same time, I support them in gently reconnecting with their own voice, needs, and desires. Together, we might:
Build safety first. Trauma-informed therapy creates a space where you are not judged for your survival strategies, but honored for them. You don’t have to rush into change—you can go at your own pace.
Develop body awareness. Learning to notice when your body goes into “people-pleasing mode” helps you catch the pattern early.
Practice boundaries in small, safe steps. This could mean experimenting with saying “maybe later” instead of “yes” right away, or even just pausing before you answer.
Reclaim authentic desires. We explore what you actually like, value, and want—sometimes for the very first time.
Strengthen self-compassion. Instead of criticizing yourself for fawning, you’ll learn to hold yourself with the same gentleness you offer others.
Living Authentically
The journey away from fawning isn’t about becoming harsh or self-centered—it’s about balance. It’s about learning that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s, and that saying “no” can be an act of profound self-respect.
As you release old survival patterns, you open the door to more genuine relationships, deeper self-trust, and a life that feels aligned with your true self.
You Deserve to Be Fully You
If you recognize yourself in these words, know this: you are not broken. The parts of you that fawn are simply trying to protect you. With the right support, you can thank those parts for their service—and then gently teach them a new way of being.
Healing is possible. You can step out of survival mode and into a life where you are safe to be fully, unapologetically yourself.
If you’d like to explore this work together, I’d be honored to walk alongside you. Reach out to schedule a consultation, and let’s begin the journey toward reclaiming your authentic voice.
